In my blog, I have referred a lot to how I used to be, or what I used to do or feel. Sometimes, even though I know that I am a different person, I struggle to act fully different than I “used” to be. I struggle with the image of fun Heddy or interesting Heddy or the Heddy that would NEVER think about God, let alone invite friends to Church. Before my past relationship began, I WAS different! Somehow, through those 9 months, I changed. It was a bit him but mostly God that moved me forward to this person I am now, no I’m not perfect but better and still growing. I thank God every day for reaching out to me through the only way that I would reach back to him. During that change though, I lost a lot of things. Most were lost because of my own foolish mistakes but, I lost my independence, sometimes dignity, some friends, and a bit of a sense of myself.
Before I dated anyone seriously, I used to say, “I would rather be a better friend than a wife”. I had a ton of strength in myself and only became stronger through my incredible friends.. I used to be an incredibly trusting person, through repeated lies all around me, I learned to doubt. I learned to glaze over very serious wrongs just so that I could make it work. I’m definitely not saying this loss of me was someone else’s fault. The worst part of it all was that I left feeling worse about myself than ever and it was my fault I allowed it. But, I had God and Eastlake that continuously kept me UP.
Enough about the past…….
Its funny looking back sometimes, because even though I have more uncertainty in my life than ever and my world has been rocked by God, and turned upside down because of other reasons I still feel happy. I know God is with me, I know he is here because I am growing and changing and I’m OK with changing and being uncertain. I’ve heard my pastor say a lot to let the good pass you by so that you can wait for the great! Even though I understand what that means, sometimes I’m not patient and I have tried to rush God’s plans.
When 2011 came around and I was a mopey, broken-hearted, single girl, I promised a great friend that we would go out of our comfort zones in 2011. Thus far, for me that hasn’t happened. Its hard for me to accept change, I love going to the same places, same restaurants, and I always order the same thing. I like to wear the same kind of clothes and I love having the same friends that know all of my same old stories. As rude as it may sound, I’m usually the person that doesn’t really like new people or new ideas…I just LOVE consistency and rules (that I get to decide to follow or not) My ex once told me that I was afraid of too much and that fear was from the enemy and to never listen to my fears. That is some of the best advice I have ever heard, especially important to a girl that is deathly afraid of change. Something that I hope to enact starting now is a fearless life.
I don’t plan on making foolish decisions or sleeping with my door unlocked. I am just going to further stop listening to that negative voice that I believe we all have. I KNOW that I can move forward and be strong. I’m not going to listen to the voice that tells me not to talk to someone new because they may judge me, or the voice that tells me to do stupid things to keep people around and loving me. I want to firmly separate that voice from God’s clear and loving voice. I MUST move on from my good to wait for God’s great! To be honest, the same things aren’t working for me anymore, they’re broken. So what can I do? Fix them, change, and continue moving forward. There are truly only a few “old Heddy” characteristics that I want to keep anyways, those are my strength and independence, my huge and loving heart, and my trust in people. I believe, If I ONLY was those things, combined with God now, that I’m set. Just as soon as I abolish that fear!
Love to you all!
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