Service not "serve us"

Rick Warren reminded me of a very important lesson about service while reading my book “Purpose Driven Life” today.  I have been reading this book very slowly for quite a while now. I sometimes forget but am trying to rededicate myself to books that can actually teach me lessons. I am on a chapter about being created to serve God. I never forget to love God but, I am also getting so much more from him than I give. One thing that really helped me in my transformation, was serving Eastlake.  In the chapter, it speaks of being created to serve in God’s family and showing everyone God’s love.  In the book, Mr. Warren says that we have a mentality at certain churches that its “serve us” rather than service.

I think that is such a true statement about the world in general. There have been so many times in my life that I have just waited for someone to do something for me, to make something happen without me actually lifting a finger. So many times in my life I have just watched people finish what I start or allow people to completely organize things altogether. 

What I have gotten from Eastlake is not repayable but, I can always do my best to be flexible and fit in to help with the churches needs. When I serve, I serve with a very happy heart, I take on many tasks because that’s how I function. I feel like I am needed when I am serving and I have met countless people just from serving the church. So, To my leaders who worry about me taking on too much, here is my honest truth, I will tell you if its too much, for now, I am doing EXACTLY what I love!!!!

On another note, Summer groups started THIS WEEK. I have heard that most peoples groups are going well! I am so happy to hear that. One thing that makes me even happier is that most people say they have a lot of "newbies" in their group! That rocks, I can only hope that in my large group that God can rock some worlds! I cannot wait to see how everyone's groups pan out! 

My baby brother is flying to Massachusetts tuesday to be a Camp Counselor at my beloved fat camp "Camp Kingsmont" I cannot believe how old he has gotten! I am in shock that he is going to be in college THIS YEAR, he has grown so fast! I wonder what our lovely mother will do once we are both moved out......Anywho, I wish him an incredible and growing summer because afterall, he is a big boy now! 

Also, This week for those of you that didn't know, I started at a new job. I am working at a Dillons store in Topeka in Customer Service, so far so good there. I am happy to start a new and more challenging job for Dillons but, I do miss some things about store 70. Sorry for those I didn't tell that you wouldn't be seeing me in the lawrence store anymore, I will miss you. 

Taking the RIGHT step!

In my blog, I have referred a lot to how I used to be, or what I used to do or feel. Sometimes, even though I know that I am a different person, I struggle to act fully different than I “used” to be. I struggle with the image of fun Heddy or interesting Heddy or the Heddy that would NEVER think about God, let alone invite friends to Church. Before my past relationship began, I WAS different! Somehow, through those 9 months, I changed. It was a bit him but mostly God that moved me forward to this person I am now, no I’m not perfect but better and still growing. I thank God every day for reaching out to me through the only way that I would reach back to him. During that change though, I lost a lot of things. Most were lost because of my own foolish mistakes but, I lost my independence, sometimes dignity, some friends, and a bit of a sense of myself.

Before I dated anyone seriously, I used to say, “I would rather be a better friend than a wife”. I had a ton of strength in myself and only became stronger through my incredible friends.. I used to be an incredibly trusting person, through repeated lies all around me, I learned to doubt. I learned to glaze over very serious wrongs just so that I could make it work. I’m definitely not saying this loss of me was someone else’s fault. The worst part of it all was that I left feeling worse about myself than ever and it was my fault I allowed it. But, I had God and Eastlake that continuously kept me UP.

Enough about the past…….

Its funny looking back sometimes, because even though I have more uncertainty in my life than ever and my world has been rocked by God, and turned upside down because of other reasons I still feel happy. I know God is with me, I know he is here because I am growing and changing and I’m OK with changing and being uncertain. I’ve heard my pastor say a lot to let the good pass you by so that you can wait for the great! Even though I understand what that means, sometimes I’m not patient and I have tried to rush God’s plans.

When 2011 came around and I was a mopey, broken-hearted, single girl, I promised a great friend that we would go out of our comfort zones in 2011. Thus far, for me that hasn’t happened. Its hard for me to accept change, I love going to the same places, same restaurants, and I always order the same thing. I like to wear the same kind of clothes and I love having the same friends that know all of my same old stories. As rude as it may sound, I’m usually the person that doesn’t really like new people or new ideas…I just LOVE consistency and rules (that I get to decide to follow or not) My ex once told me that I was afraid of too much and that fear was from the enemy and to never listen to my fears. That is some of the best advice I have ever heard, especially important to a girl that is deathly afraid of change. Something that I hope to enact starting now is a fearless life.

I don’t plan on making foolish decisions or sleeping with my door unlocked. I am just going to further stop listening to that negative voice that I believe we all have. I KNOW that I can move forward and be strong. I’m not going to listen to the voice that tells me not to talk to someone new because they may judge me, or the voice that tells me to do stupid things to keep people around and loving me. I want to firmly separate that voice from God’s clear and loving voice. I MUST move on from my good to wait for God’s great! To be honest, the same things aren’t working for me anymore, they’re broken. So what can I do? Fix them, change, and continue moving forward. There are truly only a few “old Heddy” characteristics that I want to keep anyways, those are my strength and independence, my huge and loving heart, and my trust in people. I believe, If I ONLY was those things, combined with God now, that I’m set. Just as soon as I abolish that fear!

Love to you all!

This is where the healing begins.

Man, Its been far too long since I updated my blog. I have had stories or things I’ve wanted to mention in my blog floating in my head for the past month but school and work have been incredibly demanding of my time. So, on that note, like I said let me warn you my brain is kind of fried and many emotions are pushing back at my logical thoughts so, I am sorry if this post is somewhat jumbled. I’ve been carrying on with my life rather normally in my absence from cyber world. School is going rather well this semester but, it is challenging. I cannot wait for the summer where I can spend my time (hopefully) doing the things I really love!

Lately, I’ve been thinking about what it really means to forgive someone. I know that Christ’s message is forgiveness, ALWAYS NO MATTER WHAT. So why does it seem so hard to forgive people or actions sometimes? Prior to review, I tended to view myself as an incredibly forgiving and a somewhat foolish person to forgive so easily on that matter. My Pastor once said, that you should forgive a person that robs your house but, that doesn’t mean you have to let them inside your house the next day. Also, I’ve heard that “forgiveness is a fact NOT a feeling” SO, I say that I’m forgiving but, looking back I think I haven’t really forgiven as much as I thought. I think I may be one of those dreaded people that forgives someone to get something or sometimes I may even expect something. I think that because I have put up those pre-requisites that someone must meet for me to accept their apology that I’m not really forgiving at all. Its not the way I want to be, and its not the way I am going to live my life starting today. When we reflect, we can view the mistakes we’ve made and see where we need to change. I believe that self-evaluation is a great thing. Often we may take a lot of time to ridicule other people for their actions but, really we MUST look inside ourselves to make any true change.

Then I run into the question of what if the person repeatedly does the same thing that you’ve already forgiven? I think this is where the robber analogy fits in. We must protect ourselves from that hurt. I think if someone is taking advantage of the situation then you must as a fact forgive them (and I mean truly forgive, not just say you do) but, you don’t have to let them in (the feeling of forgiving them may come later, not necessarily immediately) I think that when we can learn to truly let go of the pain we are holding onto and the wrongs that people have done and drop that check-list of what someone owes us, is when the healing begins. I think sometimes I carry around this list in my head of what someone may have to do to right the wrongs that have been done. When I’ve been able to drop that list and just live and love (and I mean truly love) caring fully about the person and praying for God’s help for kind words and thought I feel a complete weight lifted off my chest. To me, I feel like, I’ve always said I’m sorry or I forgive you because its easier to move forward AND even if I didn’t fully feel it when I said it, I eventually got there. I understand it. Sometimes, our pride, jealousy, memories, history almost makes it seem impossible to forgive. But, let me tell you, I know people who have been wronged far worse than I and they have forgiven and live a whole new life without that pain and hurt on their mind. Those people are my example, them and Christ show me its possible to forgive for something tiny and even for something so huge your whole life is turned upside down. I am really working on that, forgiving without needing something in return.

Sometimes though, it’s a whole institution or organization that has wronged you, not just one person.  Sometimes it’s your work, an organization you’re involved in, a church, or even “religious” people in general. There is a lot of hate being spread at all times from the enemy. It is hard to move beyond that. Trust, when I was younger I experienced multiple “church” people being complete hypocrites. And, it hurt me. I never wanted to be involved and on top of that I had a pre-conceived (bad) notion of what Christians were. When I went to Eastlake, I realized that’s not true. I have found the most loving and completely accepting people…NO MATTER WHAT MY JUNK IS! I love that I can have these feelings and connections and relationships with members of my church. I know, I know, I’ve been spamming you all with Eastlake stuff but, its ONLY because I want Eastlake to be able to make a difference in someone else’s life too! You may be one of those people that have been so wronged and hurt and told how bad you are by the church….I can PROMISE you, that is NOT going to happen at Eastlake. I would never invite people I love into a situation that I thought would harm them. SO, its almost Easter, a holiday where we life up Jesus Christ and what he did for us so that we could live. I know when I was younger I always went to church on Easter Sunday (right after I dyed eggs, which at the time I thought was superior) I know at Eastlake we are having church for EVERYONE this Sunday, EVEN non-believers. We want to see you there; I want to see you there. If you feel more comfortable checking us out online do so……

www.freelovelawrence.com

(it’s our Easter series website, while there check out the four promo videos and even my churches original song and music video)

www.eastlakelawrence.com

(here is our main site, if you click on pastors talks you can hear some of the previous series to see what you’re getting yourself into, lol)

Hope to see you THIS (or any) Sunday, South Junior High, 9:30 or 11!

 Heddy

And, regardless of where you are or what you do, I hope you have a blessed Easter!www.eastlakelawrence.com

Judgments Hurt

This Sunday in Church, we talked about judgments, where they come from, what they lead to, how they affect people, and how to handle them. After the message, I spent a lot of time thinking about my own judgmental self. I’ve spent a lot of time making these quick surface level judgments in my life.  It is honestly something I struggle with everyday. So my mission for this week and weeks to come is to not look at people for what they are on the outside but, rather, for who they are on the inside. Because, the truth of the matter is, most of the judgments that I make are based on appearance, clothing, money, etc…definite surface level stuff. Most of the time, I notice my judgment’s come from my own insecurities. So, instead of insecurely judging people, I am going to look within myself and fix those insecurities. There is a fine line though in helping people and judging them. Obviously, in my opinion if you believe someone needs help, you have made some sort of judgment. But, if you love them enough, and come from the right loving place I think you can try and help. However, there is only so far you can help someone. If they don’t want your help, you cannot force them to accept the help, you can only guide them to the right place, love on them, and pray for them.

ANYWAYS,

This week has been a very busy one with school, friends, taking care of my house and 30 hours of work. But, my Friday started off wonderfully. This morning, despite the snow, I had an appointment with the LOVELY Pamela at Lou and Co. and she cut and highlighted my hair. I LOVE the color and cannot wait to grow my hair out (not because she cut it too short, but, im ready for longer) Today, I have a short day at work and then I will be coming home, getting some stuff done and likely a friends birthday party. Hope you all had a GREAT week and as always, feel free and welcome to join me at South Junior High in Lawrence this Sunday for my church, Eastlake Community Church.

I just want to close with a quote from the Ke$ha concert, trust me, I know she’s not an incredibly insightful person but, she did say something at the very end that really stuck with me because, it’s how I’ve always tried to live my life.

My New Hair!

“Be yourself, unapologetically, ALWAYS!”

It's so hard to say goodbye, to yesterday....for me at least

For those of you that know me, and I mean REALLY know me, you know that I’m the type of person that tends to be rather reflective on the past. Generally, I find that thinking about the past relationships, friendships, situations, times, even past lifestyles or past wardrobes only holds me back. I know, plenty of people tell you that you can learn from your past and YOU DO but, I wish I could just learn from that past and move completely on! Let me tell you the phrase “different strokes for different folks” totally does ring true here. NOT EVERY belief I have is going to work for everyone because, not everyone or every problem can be covered with the same blanket advice.

When I say I think about the past a lot, I really mean A LOT. I spend a lot of my day thinking about great old memories that cannot ever be recreated because those friendships have drifted apart or no longer exist. I went to the Ke$ha concert on Sunday with a great girl friend that gives me all that I need in a friendship but, somehow after the fun concert on the ride home, the conversation turned into the “What if my ex was here game” ( and trust me, I meant it in a completely loving and genuine way). Honestly, I don’t know why I get these feelings, it cannot be because I’m unhappy because, I’m the happiest I’ve been in a VERY long time. I believe, I think about these pasts because they are comfortable to me…even if they were toxic, unstable, or just not working, I still continue to reflect on my pasts.

One past I really struggle with is my past life. NO, I don’t mean before I was Heddy but before I truly found and fell in love with God. About a year ago, I was a completely different person….I was the type of person you see and think “She’s unhappy” or maybe “She’s bitchy” but truly I was a nasty person, with very little love to truly give, hardly any energy, and nothing really positive coming from me at all. My main motivation in life was going out, having fun, living life with no regrets, and likely trampling all over peoples feelings.  Through this past year I have really grown into a fully loving and caring Christ- motivated person. (Don’t worry all of you old friends, I’m still fun and funny, and I still LOVE having fun, just in different venues) I grew partially this past year because I had my first “semi- adult” relationship but, mostly because God has taken a hold of my heart. But, still there are those times when I drift away and think of those pasts. I often find myself wondering “what-if” I had made different life choices. I know I must just shift my mind to knowing and realizing ALL of the time that this life is OBVIOUSLY better and has SO much more to offer. On this constant journey I am so thankful that I have an incredible core support team to send me right back onto the correct path to God if my mind drifts too far away for too long.

Regardless of all of this past thinking, I know I wouldn’t trade a single second of the last year because, it is ALL part of God’s plan. Sometimes, like I finally did with my old clothes last month, you just have to get rid of all of these pasts that don’t fit anymore, or that are unfashionable. And no, you cannot just “belt them” (I’m sure some of you will get this because of my affinity for belting things) hoping they’ll fit you even when they are too loose in certain places. I know purging these past thoughts, memories, and irreparable relationships is the only thing you can do to move forward, and that is certainly the spot I’m at. I’m in desperate need to take my pasts to the “goodwill” and only leap forward!

So, briefly, I am just going to tell you that I’ll try to post a more thought provoking post on Sundays or Mondays and an update or a lesson I learned in church late during the week (for now).  I AM going to talk about God a lot and my church too. So, if you don’t like it, I’d suggest keep checking out my blog, and you may find out things about God that you never knew, from a simplified and awestruck Christian like me!

HAVE YOU BEEN BURNED BY A CHURCH?  Uninterested, uninformed, uncomfortable in Churches…check mine out, it’s incredible and VERY welcoming

www.eastlakelawrence.com

Also, like I said last time, I’m hosting a group at church for ladies. You don’t have to be an Eastlake-er to be involved just talk to me or go here to check out info for signing up

http://www.eastlakelawrence.com/?groups

Have a GREAT week!

Better late than NEVER

This past year has marked many firsts for me…I had my first love, lived by myself for the first time, had my heart broken for the first time, fell in love with God for the first time, and for the first time in my whole entire life, I had the feeling that I could do things on my own (well, with God of course). I spent almost my whole year (2010) pursuing, being in, or mourning the loss of my relationship. My friendships, like my weight, have fluctuated, they have been up, down, wonderful, lacking, surprising, but, as the year closed both my weight and most of my friendships are almost exactly the same as this time last year (some better, some worse). My strength has grown leaps and bounds throughout the year…I often find myself doing things now that I would have never been brave enough to do and, this is ONLY because of GOD.

In April, I began attending Eastlake (just to appease the now Ex) from my first attendance I noticed that there was something so special going on there. At first, I didn’t get an immediate connection with Christ but, I did feel that the people were great so I kept going back. In the beginning, it was like Eastlake was my job….I had to force myself awake every Sunday after long Saturday night, I often missed Church. But, I kept attending sparingly. During the summer I began my real prayer life. At first my ex had to soy our prayers aloud before bed eventually though, I felt comfortable enough to lead our prayers. When I started letting God into my thought life (like pastor Matt suggested) I began to notice myself changing. “Absolutes” that I had previously melted away because with God they didn’t matter, I completely changed who I was and looking back even after losing myself in my relationship I found myself in Christ. In September, I was saved! My life felt completely new and filled up with love. I felt strong enough to do anything but, only with God. Around the same time, I started in a church Growth Group, which, is one of my BEST decisions to date. Every Monday I met with a loving and diverse group of women. Everyone came and shared their hearts and truths. I had told people before my group began that I didn’t feel comfortable sharing with a random group of “church women” but, from the first meeting in felt completely comfortable and loved and all of those fears faded.

The next few months were seemingly smooth and happy (for the most part). But, the water finally boiled over on my 8 or 10-month relationship in November. Since then, I have learned so much. Ive learned how awesome God is and he had prepared me to be alone by surrounding me with the MOST loving, supportive, and fun friends and family. One day after my relationship ended, I asked God what to do, and it was so clear…throw yourself into your church. I began volunteering at Eastlake, was baptized, and became a member!  I couldn’t be happier or more thankful for what God has created for me even through the devils awful destruction. Ive had the opportunity to have my friends come to Eastlake and sit next to me and just praise and love God for all that we have! Ive met so many INCREDIBLE people through Eastlake and I Cannot wait for another year with my Eastlake family!

As the year closed, and 2011 began the Beaudoin’s surprised me with a trip to Kansas. Spending time with some old friends is really what I needed because I felt truly happy! I feel unstoppable, I am just so in love with God and everything he has surrounded me with. However, I still do have goals to improve myself by 2012 and I’m going to share them with the few people that may actually be reading this…..

1.Limit Gossip

2. Get Coffee (Starbucks, Scooters, Etc.) only once a week

3. Use my planner

4. Work 25 hours a week

5. Limit bad language

6. Make a budget and follow it

7. Talk to God more often

8. Read the Bible

9. Work out 3 times a week

10. Only eat out 4 times a month

11. Find another volunteer position

12. Spend only 7 non-school related hours on the internet a week

13. Stop thinking what-if and wondering what people whose life I am uninvolved with are doing.

WOW, that’s a lot. Good thing I have 11 months!

I do want to explain my blog name….the phrase “Hail Mary and Whatev” came from a Catholic girl I met my first year at KU. Looking back I really respect this girl and when something bad would happen to her, she would say “Hail Mary and Whatev” instead of getting upset or doing mean things. So, that’s how I’m trying to live my life for now, moving on from the bad, not dwelling, only taking in the good.

A few Shameless plugs….

Here is a link to my awesome Church, I am there every Sunday. It is a safe place to check out God and there are tons of great people

http://www.eastlakelawrence.com/

Also, for all you Lawrence Single ladies…I am leading a group with a wonderful Eastlake friend, it meets on Tuesdays at 7pm, feel free to join! Group sign-ups are going on for a few more weeks and our first meeting is March 1^st, ours is Tuesdays 02

http://www.eastlakelawrence.com/?groups

Thanks for reading, have a faboosh week :)